Community Highlights: Meet Janet Bentley of Courageous Survivors

Today we’d like to introduce you to Janet Bentley. 

Hi Janet, it’s an honor to have you on the platform. Thanks for taking the time to share your story with us – to start maybe you can share some of your backstories with our readers?
I grew up in a home with two Alcoholic parents and a father who was a drug addict. I am the oldest of 8 children. The first memory I have of being sexually abused by my father was at the age of 4. My mom was in and out of the hospital a lot and I was given the job of caring for my siblings as they arrived. Because of his addictions, my dad did not hold a job down for long which required us to move almost every year. There were suicide attempts by my dad and my mom and my dad was violent when drinking. I tried to shield my siblings from the beatings between my parents and would sometimes get in the line of fire to protect my mom. 

I could honestly list so many different forms of abuse that I personally remember suffering. There was severe sexual abuse and familial sex trafficking, physical abuse, witnessing other abuse, neglect, and so much more. I began at the age of 10 or 11 to attend church with a friend from our neighborhood. The church ended up being a very strict extreme fundamentalist shame-based religion where I was molested and raped at the age of 12 and forced to have an abortion. 

I used many ways to survive. Many of them helped save my life but caused me more problems later in life. A few of those were perfectionism, suicide attempts and ideation, and pill and alcohol addiction. I had such a low self-esteem and was left feeling unworthy and broken and no matter what I tried, I could not seem to rise above it. 

My father died from suicide at age 44, my brother died of suicide at age 24 not long after my dad died, two of my other brothers were in drug addiction and gangs, and my mom died at the age of 50 of emphysema. After my mom died, I tried therapy for the first time, had a very tough two years with multiple suicide attempts, psychiatric hospitalizations, and my first marriage ended. I had two beautiful children from that marriage and they are honestly what kept me trying to stay alive during that time. 

I met my second husband not long after my divorce. He is from England, was going through his own divorce, and had three beautiful children. I moved there for a couple of years while we attempted to work out immigration issues for both of us to be able to live in both countries. It was a bittersweet time – I was extremely happy to have married such a kind, wonderfully supportive husband but inevitably, one of us would be living with a broken heart as we were separated from our growing children in two countries. Life continued and in 2009 I was diagnosed with colorectal cancer, followed by surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation. We eventually ended up in Arizona and in 2014, I found myself feeling suicidal again. I had been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD, and anxiety and had not been back to any therapy since I had moved back to the USA from England. It was becoming apparent that I was using alcohol and pills to medicate the underlying pain from the unresolved trauma. 

In November 2014, I entered The Meadows Treatment Center – a residential 45-day program, followed by their Intensive Outpatient Program. I wish I could say all was good from there but I wasn’t quite ready to follow all of their suggestions and became suicidal again. I decided to try therapy again. I did a lot of research and found a Trauma Therapist in March 2017. I continue with that therapist today, almost 5 years later. 

I have made huge strides in my healing and in my life. 

One of the keys to huge shifts in my healing has come from learning to feel compassion towards the little girl that used all those ways to survive. I continue to be challenged by a lot of those old coping strategies. When I start to move toward life and happiness, they sometimes come back stronger than ever, enticing me back to the unhealthy ways that I used to survive. I continue to make friends with them and have these conversations in my head! “Here you are again! I appreciate how you helped me survive, but I don’t need you anymore”. I don’t always succeed but I continue to grow and get better at it. 

I am learning to forgive myself for not being perfect. Of course, there is no “perfect’ and being vulnerable and sharing my story is scary but also a lot less lonely. I wrote a memoir of my experience. It is called “Don’t Expect Me To Cry” and was published in October of 2018. It has opened up so many doors of opportunity to help others. 

I experience Post Traumatic Growth. The basic definition of Post Traumatic Growth is: “Positive psychological change experienced as a result of struggling with highly challenging, highly stressful life circumstances” 

For me, it means that every heartbreak of my life, including the broken-heartedness of my childhood, has left me a stronger, wiser, and more loving person than the one I was before. 

I was called a liar and shunned after disclosing much of my sexual trauma, but I was also blessed to have some very compassionate people put in my path of recovery. I feel a stronger empathy with others as a result of my own pain and struggles. I also came to a point where I realized that by doing something positive with what happened to me, I felt a strong sense of purpose. I felt thrust out of the victim mentality. It took time, and I can still go there, but I realized that moving forward is the only way. I cannot change what happened and to live in the “what-ifs” only dragged me down deeper into the depression. 

I now own a nonprofit called Courageous Survivors. Our mission is: ‘to help heal the wounds of sexual abuse by providing adult survivors support, education, and a platform for sharing hope and experience with others.’ I am working hard at getting it off the ground and I have a goal of providing trauma-informed therapist-led support groups for survivors so that we can feel the comfort of knowing we are not alone. It is so healing to begin to move toward connection and life. 

“If they took back the pain they caused, you’d lose the strength you gained” 

We all face challenges, but looking back would you describe it as a relatively smooth road?
There were so many challenges. Low self-esteem/worth, addiction, fear – so much fear. There was family denial and more death (of another brother) due to overdose. The Complex PTSD and trauma anniversaries continue with their triggers. The work of healing and therapy is rewarding but oh so tiring and at times, I feel like I can’t go on. But I do. One baby step at a time. 

Alright, so let’s switch gears a bit and talk business. What should we know?
I founded a nonprofit called Courageous Survivors in December 2020 with a mission ‘to help heal the wounds of sexual abuse by providing adult survivors support, education and a platform for sharing hope and experience with others.’ 

Our purpose: 

To be a leading source of support to adult survivors of sexual assault and abuse 

Our goals: 

To create a community where survivors can connect with others who understand 

To provide resources that help survivors on their journey to a healthy and happy life 

To fund Trauma Therapist-led support groups for survivors 

I feel that I have a unique set of life experiences to be empathetic and understanding of what survivors truly need to help them recover and live their best lives. 

What I love about our brand and that I hope comes across, is that we are inclusive of all, and the main mission is to offer resources so that all survivors of sexual abuse and assault will feel empowered. We are never fear-free but we can walk through the fear together – that is courageous. 

Can you talk to us a bit about the role of luck?
I don’t know about the word “luck” versus the word “blessed” but I do feel that throughout my life, I have always been shown the way forward. I have put myself in places for that to happen, yes; but I also feel that there have been so many that have helped me along the way when I felt as if I had no one. Teachers, friends’ parents, therapists, friends, police officers at charity events and I could honestly go on and on. By all accounts, I should not be here. But I am. I am very very blessed. 

Contact Info:

• Email: janet@janetbentley.com
• Website: www.courageoussurvivors.org
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/courageousssurvivors/
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/CourageousSurvivorsFB
• Twitter: https://twitter.com/CourageousSurv2
• Other: www.janetbentley.com